My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
