When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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