mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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