i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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