You're completely useless in the revolution.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
