I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
