Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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