what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
