Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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