Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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