my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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