Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
