I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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