wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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