I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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