not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
