I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
