My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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