Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
