I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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