My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
