you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
