Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
