Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
