Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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