Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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