I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
