Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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