I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
