Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
