based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
