Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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