Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
