Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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