My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
