if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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