She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
