Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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