just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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