If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
