I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
