whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
