Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
