My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
