I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
