We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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