every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
