the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
