I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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