the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
