RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
