I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
